( Isaiah 54, 7 – 10 ) - [ Deutsch ]
The closer she came to the memorial wall, the heavier her steps became.
It had only been the day before yesterday that the urn was laid to rest. With so many people there, she had experienced this day as if in a trance. She had hardly slept the night before. Again and again, she reached over to the space next to her, touching, searching. The bed was empty. She needed this useless exercise to fully comprehend: He is no longer there - he is not coming back.
The two police officers had looked embarrassed, almost frightened, when she opened the door. "We are so sorry; we have to tell you this. - Your husband - he was in a car accident.
She had got up very early on the day of the funeral, walked around the house. She checked the children's room. Empty. Her friend had taken the children to stay with her. She could have stayed with her friend too, but she didn't want to. She had to be alone, by herself, in the house. At some point the alarm clock went off. She had set it so that she knew: In one hour I must go.... She wanted to take this walk alone, quite deliberately. "I'll have to make so many journeys on my own in the near future, it's best to start with the journey to the funeral service!" she had told her parents, who were coming to pick her up from home. She saw everyone from afar: her parents, her siblings with their families, her grandmother, her friends, his work colleagues. Silent greetings, words she heard and yet did not hear. "What on earth did they say . . ."The organ was already playing as she entered the church and slowly walked to the front, where her parents and siblings were already sitting.
"What was the minister talking about?" she wondered. She stopped for a moment. Maybe to be able to remember better? Or was she hesitating, because just around the next corner was the memorial wall. 'Mountains', 'hills' these words from the funeral sermon popped into her mind, and she couldn't help but think about the fact, that life without her husband stood before her like an insurmountable mountain.
She walked around the church, her eyes fixed on the ground, immersed in her thoughts. Slowly she continued walking and she saw someone standing there. She recognised her grandmother immediately. She smiled. And then they were both standing next to each other, silently in front of the grave. She reached for her grandmother's hand, that comforting, old, warm hand. She felt safe and did not fight back the tears. "Come, let's go to my place now and have a coffee!" Those were the first words Grandma said. She hooked herself in and felt somehow set free as they went on their way.
The coffee felt good. They sat next to each other. "Tell me, grandma, what did the minister actually talk about yesterday at the funeral service? I didn't hear a thing, everything passed me by. I only remember the words 'mountains' and 'hills'." Grandma looked at her: "That was a text from an old book of the prophets, Isaiah - wait, let me get the Bible and then we'll look it up."
"Here's the verse, let me read it to you - it's my confirmation verse!"
‘For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.’
She thought for a moment, frowned and then said:
"Yes, I suppose that's the part about the mountains and hills - but what does mercy have to do with it?" She cried.
What does my husband's accident have to do with grace?
Where was God when the accident happened?"
"You know," Grandma clasped her hands now, "I'm sure God was there the moment it happened!"
"You mean," she paused for a moment, then her voice got a little louder, "you mean God was really there? Then why didn't he stop it - or" she paused again for a moment, "are you perhaps saying that it was some sort of punishment!"
"Oh child, how well I understand you!" Grandma looked at her.
"You know that my father didn't come back from the war. A few days before the end of the war. Actually, it was kind of an accident as well. His unit was retreating, it was probably more of an escape when they ran into a minefield. There were many injured and some dead - my mother, all of us couldn't understand it. But that’s where my confirmation verse strengthened me. I was - and am quite sure that my father was not alone when he died." She paused for a moment.
"You know, child, the Bible does say that there is unhappiness, suffering and injustice for those who stray from God. And then people do think that God has turned away, and that he is angry and may punish people too. At least, the prophets, including this Isaiah, always warned the people of Israel against such things"
But that has nothing to do with what happened to my father and your husband. she had long since taken her granddaughter's hand again, "nowhere does it say in the Bible that there is no unhappiness, no suffering and no injustice if you only believe strong enough!"
"You know," she heard Grandma say, "there are such wonderful verses in the Bible. In Psalm 23 it says, "The Lord is my shepherd" and goes on to say, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me....' Therefore I am sure that your husband - and also my father were not alone - and", she noticed that the grandma hesitated a little, "that is grace for me!"
She looked at her granny in amazement, then reached for the Bible and drew it closer to her. She had noticed that Grandma had put a bookmark in the page with the mountains, hills and grace.
"If you like, why don't you read it out loud?" said Grandma.
Reading out the text
She stroked the page with her hands. "You know what, Grandma?" - She sat down resolutely. "I didn't understand everything it said. But I want to believe that God was there at the accident and didn't leave him alone. And I want to believe that he won't leave me alone either - nor the children, now that there is so much ahead of us. We will be sad a lot - and cry - thinking that we won't be able to cope with all this. However, now I would like to pick up the children with you and go to the memorial wall once more. And then we can tell them that God will not leave us alone - whatever happens, and that their dad is not alone now either.
Then we will go back to your place and cook something, talk to each other and play with the children. And then," she looked at her grandma, "then I'll copy down this Bible verse."
‘For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.’
Amen